Woody Allen Gives Rocky Balboa a Root Canal

Carlos Fidel Espinoza

“Jesus Rock–o, what the fuck happened to your face?”
“Use nose house it goes, a promoter offers use money and use can’t refuse. What are use suppose to dews, Paulie’s dialyses, the kid wants a new car, Mickey’s gym is falling apart, when use need money, use need money, Woody.”
“You can act in one of my movie, don’t let this dentist outfit fool you, it’s a character study. The perks are great, young assistants in tight turquoise scrubs, you know, getting to look down a blouse during a root canal, and feeling up a skirt when you juice her nitrous oxide, Soon Yi working reception, if you could do it all over you might consider this gig.”
“Use nose these two hands are the money makers.”
“Holy Shabbat, your condition would fit the new script perfectly; it’s about a has-been boxer who won’t retire, he’s been knocked out so many times he can’t get it up. You really would fit the roll, considering you’ve done pornos and we worked on Bananas together. You’re a little short in the pants, but it will add to the dramatic effect. Yes, your little thing in my big film, Yasher koach!”
“Use better take it easy doc. Just cause use see me all beat to shit and missing some teeth don’t thinks use wouldn’t get the Italian Stallion all over yo’ ass. Use knows being a wise–guy make use tough. Use thinks it’s easy to be the muscle for Jimmy the Mook? Use got another thing coming.”
“We Brooklyn Jews don’t back down. You’re gonna get Woody going Kabala all over your ass. You already got the shit beat out of you by three black guys, a Russian and a White kid, do you want to add a Jew to the list?”
“Fuck use!”
“Let’s do this, Mazel Tov, bitch!”
“Use lousy Jewish fuck, use stabbed me! Get your ass back here. Adrian! Adrian!”